The Northern Mirror Exclusive Interview:
“Soon the earth and all its people will live under my glorious banner.”
Today there is hardly a politician or potentate that does not have a social media presence. Most of them mete out toothless, carefully crafted public relations statements made to leave plenty of room to follow changing political winds. This is not the case with Doug Burzum. Since 2016, North Dakota’s supreme ruler has declared his true intentions for the citizens of North Dakota on Facebook. He is surprisingly open about his quest for absolute power and thirst for blood.
Burzum unlocked his cold, black lair, granting an audience for this exclusive interview. If you would like to catch all of the violent decrees from North Dakota’s dark lord, follow him on Facebook @dougburzum.
How is your space program going?
I CONTROL SPACE AS WELL AS TIME. THE DOMINION BEYOND EARTH IS ENTIRELY MY OWN. TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.
Being the governor of North Dakota seems like a lot of hassle and not a lot of glory. Why did you pursue it? Is it the attention? Is it an ego thing?
SIMPLE. ONLY I AM CAPABLE OF DIRECTING THE AFFAIRS OF THE UGLY, DEFORMED PEASANT MASSES. I DEMAND THAT THEY BEND TO MY WILL SO THAT I MAY SHAPE AND MOLD THEM TO SUIT MY INTERESTS.
Can you explain the connection between tax abatements and the occult?
TAXES ARE A BLOOD SACRIFICE TO THE FALSE GODS OF POWER IN WASHINGTON. I DEMAND INSTEAD THAT THE PEASANTS OF THIS STATE PROVIDE ME WITH MORE BLOOD, MORE TAXES. TO ASK OF ME THE SAME IN RETURN IS LIKE ASKING THE VIKINGS OF OLD TO RETURN THEIR HARD-WON GOODS TO THE WEAK, PUNY MONKS OF SCOTLAND. NEVER!! I HAVE THE POWER, AND WITH EVERY TAX DOLLAR, EVERY DROP OF BLOOD, I GROW STRONGER. I WILL NEVER SHED MY BLOOD IN RETURN! A REDUCTION IN MY TAXES IS, IN EFFECT, AN INCREASE IN MY OCCULT POWER BECAUSE LESS OF MY BLOOD, MY MONEY, HAS BEEN GIVEN AS A SACRIFICE TO FEED ANOTHER.
When you first got elected, you were criticized for wearing jeans in the capitol. Why did you decide to wear suits and not priestly robes?
I WILL WEAR AS I PLEASE YOU PEASANT. PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SPEND 50 NIGHTS IN MY DUNGEONS BEING WHIPPED BY A BURLY MAN IN JEANS? MAYBE THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO QUESTION ME
Where does the “Good Old Boys Club” meet? Do they have a pool?
WE MEET IN THE BASEMENT OF SAMMYS PIZZA. YES, WE BATHE IN BLOOD AND DISCUSS THE SPREADING OF MY POWER UNDER THE DARK GAZE OF MOLOCH
Does it make you mad that the other billionaires have bigger skyscrapers than you?
SOON THEY WILL BE CONSUMED BY FIRE. I WILL ENVELOP THEM ALL UNDER MY DARK SHROUD. THEY WILL TREMBLE AT MY ORCISH ARMY. THEY WILL WEEP WITH GRIEF AS THEY ARE LED ONE BY ONE TO THE SLAUGHTER. I WILL CONVERT THEIR TOWERS TO TORTURE CHAMBERS FOR MY ENEMIES!
Why hasn’t anybody rented the Loudon Building at 64 4th St. N in Fargo? Is there something wrong with that place?
IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THEY HEARD MY SON, LIL JOEY, HAS HIS PLAYPEN ON THE TOP FLOOR. WE GIVE HIM TOYS TO PLAY WITH AND I HAVE TEN SERVANTS ON HAND TO CHANGE HIS ADULT DIAPERS. SOMETIMES IT SMELLS BECAUSE OF THE MOUNTAIN OF SHIT THAT HE PRODUCES. IT COULD BE THE SMELL.
When you cut off Federal unemployment benefits in North Dakota, people didn’t dutifully return to work? What is your next strategy?
THEY WILL RETURN TO WORK AT THE BARREL OF A GUN. ENGAGEMENT IN CAPITALISM IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. THE WAGES THEY ARE PAID ARE A MERE PITTANCE; WE GIVE THEM JUST ENOUGH MONEY TO HARBOR THEIR DELUSION THAT THEY HAVE POWER. IT IS TRUE THAT THEY DO NOT. THEY WILL WORK, OR THEY WILL DIE, AND THEY WILL NOT SEE HIGHER RETURNS.
Did you offer Bill Gates any divorce advice?
NO, BUT I ASKED MELINDA IF SHE WAS INTO RIMJOBS AND SHE SAID YES, AND NOW BILL’S WIFE IS MY MISTRESS
Theodore Roosevelt is buried in Youngs Memorial Cemetery of Oyster Bay Cove, New York. Will his body be relocated to the Teddy Roosevelt museum?
IT WILL BE UNEARTHED AND ITS ROTTEN FORM SHALL BE DISPLAYED FOR ALL TO SEE. WE HAVE PLANS TO HANG IT ON THE WALL OUTSIDE.
Do you like those jeans that old dudes wear in downtown Fargo? The ones with the sparkly designs on the back pockets?
IF THEY ARE ALSO WEARING AFFLICTION T-SHIRTS, YES, THAT IS ACTUALLY A UNIFORM MANDATED BY ME TO SIGNIFY THAT THEY ARE SOLDIERS IN MY ARMY OF ORCS.
Are the badlands bad enough?
THEY WILL BE AFTER I SPRAY THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES ALL OVER THEM WITH AN INDUSTRIAL POWER WASHER!
How will you keep the oil money flowing with the increasing popularity of renewable energy?
I HAVE BEEN DRAWING UP PLANS TO BLOCK OUT THE SUN WITH A GIANT TIN FOIL SHEET.
Can you save us some time and summarize your next TEDX talk in five words or less?
EAT, SHIT, FUCK, DIE, REPEAT
Now that the FDA has approved the Pfizer vaccine, are you going to make it illegal in North Dakota?
I WILL BE MAKING ALL VACCINES ILLEGAL. I WILL ALSO BE MAKING HEALTHCARE IN GENERAL ILLEGAL. HOSPITALS WILL EXIST ONLY TO HARVEST BLOOD FOR MY CONSUMPTION AND ENJOYMENT.
Can I get an internship?
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AN AVERSION TO BE DUNKED IN A VAT OF ACID, YES.