(Zach Nerpel)



If I see one more Tweet or meme likening Will Smith to Putin – if I see Chris Rock’s name anywhere near the word “Ukraine” ever again… I swear to God I’ll eat 14 McDoubles®, vomit in a shoe box, and mail it to a hospital with a note that reads,

“Dearest Dr. Pisshands,

For the love of all things holy,
please tell me what is wrong with me. Examine the chunks in this bile mess and tell me now. Be straight with me, Doc, is it cancer? Lupus? A sickening contagion brought about by the meme-ification of every buzzworthy event inevitably coalesced with Current_World_Crisis?

Yours truly,
Gasoline Fossilfuel
CEO Swampwater Brewing™ (‘Serving Stomach Aches With A Smile

I saw a Tweet saying that what Will Smith did with his forehand to Chris Rock is the same as what Putin is doing to Ukraine (with his army). I saw a person mansplain that the Oscar crowd was parallel in their response to Will Smith as German citizens were to Hitler during World War II and this is how Nazis were created.

And then I saw another and another. I saw others depicting Putin as Lord Voldemort and Zelensky as Harry Potter… ???

What stage of reckless mental abandon is this? Can we hope it’s terminal? I swear on my never-existent son’s grave that if I see another meme involving the Avengers in Ukraine, I will… wait a minute, I’ve received correspondence.

“Purest of Heart Mr. Fossilfuel,

We have received your bio-sample and would first like to address a few things before sharing our lab results with you.

To begin, it is my personal recommendation that you do not eat the wrapper of any fast food burger. While I, myself, only learned of this a few years ago, the paper-plastic exterior is not actually a part of the food item, similar in taste and composition as it may be.

Next, this sample is mostly blood and you should chew your food more. Within the haphazardly secured shoebox, there was an entire, wrapped (again, this is not a part of the food item) McDouble®. However you unhinged your jaw to totally house this burger is a matter of mystery which we would like to study another time, but the fact remains that you should chew your food until it is of mushy consistency before allowing it to slide down your corroded throat-pipe and into your stomach.

Lastly, what is that smell?

Now, onto the lab results. They are inconclusive and your bill will be $46,728.21.

With undying love,
Dr. Frederick Pisshands, MD.”

What a schmuck. What a crook. What a faulty healthcare system.

Where were we?

Anyway, it’s that time of the year again where the weather gets warmer and the fervor to allow one’s self to become deranged and manic with righteous fury finds a spot in the nook where seasonal depression once cozied itself.

There’s no time to be sad when Gerald Funkopop, mouth agape, is having a Twitter meltdown over how NATO is somehow, I don’t know, the fucking Justice League or something and Elizabeth Warren is Professor McGonagall and Russia – sorry, I’m making myself nauseous.

How do you tell an entire specimen of humanity that not everything needs to be related to a form of media? That their goodwill and concern is colossally overshadowed by their juvenile means of digesting the world?  That, hold on –

“Piece of Shit Dr. Pisshands,

You’ll get no dollar bills from me, you fucking criminal. I sent in my own life force, my own stomach’s creation. I know you didn’t even analyze it – you’re probably keeping it to admire for yourself. And, you dumbass, the exterior is the burger’s
rind and, like brie, it is edible. You wouldn’t know that because you’ve never eaten anything other than dog food, you coward. Imbecile.

Keep me out of your mouth,
Gasoline Fossilfuel
CEO Swampwater Brewing™ (‘Slurp Once, Burp Twice