by J. Zeno
Father’s Day can be tough for many. Why is it that guys feel that they can come and go as they please? To want the world their way, but someone else can foot the bill. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of good dads out there, but there should be more.
My parents split up when I was about four, or so. They seemed like they argued a lot, so it wasn’t really a surprise. We lived with mom, as my father moved away, and started life over about an hour or so away. We usually spent time with him over part of the summer and part of Xmas break. When we were younger, he tried his best. He was firm, but was very open to sharing his interests with us – working on old cars (at one point he did auto body work, and still does on the side), motorcycles (he taught my brother and I how to ride Yamaha YZ-80’s), camping, and drag racing (we went to see the NHRA Nationals in Brainerd several times). Realistically, it seemed that he was doing the best he could, and I appreciate that.
A few years later, he remarried, as did my mom. His new wife seemed very distant to us. I’m not sure what it was, but I never bonded with her. My new step-dad, on the other hand, did as much as he could to bond with us. We grew into our teen years, life got busier, other kids were had, and we seemed to see less and less of each other. My mom had our family, my father had his family. Maybe he let it be, to keep the peace at home? As I grew into my twenties, I wanted to try to rebuild a relationship, but with every attempt, it seemed to be an awkward failure. Sure, we’ll keep in touch, we’ll call each other when we were in town, much of it fell into nothing.
Years later, I married someone who had a son. I got my first taste of parenthood. My father was a no show at my wedding. It was puzzling, but I didn’t focus on the negative that day. My brother was married a few months after, and he was there. It felt weird. Why was he at my brother’s wedding, but not mine? I’d struggled with feelings of inadequacy all my life, so the situation was troubling. We struck up a conversation, mostly light chit-chat… he eventually told me why he was absent at my wedding… “They were remodeling the kitchen, and the electrician (who was apparently on a tight schedule), could only be there on that day.” I felt numb, I don’t really remember the rest of our conversation. I kind of laughed it off with him, but deep down, I was shredded. I was deeply hurt, and that was it, I was done trying. I knew that any sort of relationship was just not going to happen and I was going to have to accept it. The last two times I’ve seen him were at my grandparent’s funerals. I was cordial, but pretty much kept it at small talk.
Here I am, sharing his name, my child also has his name. I feel tethered to it, and at times, hate it. Being a parent, I just have no idea how some people operate. How do you do this to your kid? For me, parenting has been about supporting my kid, and avoiding the stupid bullshit that adults put me through. I’ve cut ties with my father. It was funny when he signed up for Facebook and both he and his wife sent friend requests (still left unanswered). Sorry Charlie, you don’t get that privilege. It’s okay to cut people out of your life.
RRCC 