untitled pantoum
i dont ask permission from anybody
to be me
i only am
bag lady, chismosa, cigarette auntie
to be me
the tattoos on your arm caught my eye
i only am
and you ask permission every single time
the tattoos on your arm caught my eye
you look at me
and you ask permission every single time
even though you know i want you
you look at me
i only am
even though you know i want you
i dont ask for permission from anybody
a lesbian love spell
today, we are lovers
yesterday we were close friends
caught in a dance of batted eyelashes
and shared dreams
yesterday we were close friends
waking up to your sleeping face
from shared dreams
i see into the future
waking up to your sleeping face
we share a home
i see into the future
where jazz records and the smell of burnt cinnamon paint the walls
resting place
i wander into my mom’s room at bedtime
seeking refuge
i am 23
i am 19
i am 17
i am 13
i am 7 years old
if i am scared–whether i know it or not–i come here
but tonight it’s my dad who holds me as i cry
he tells me of his traumatic memories
the ones seared into his brain from an age too
young to remember
he tells me that everything will be okay
that i will figure it all out
that i can take as many deep breaths as i need to
i silently wish i hadn’t gotten into so many screaming matches with him
the life he’s been given has been hard to live through
but all i do is tell him good night
he pets my hair and makes room for me in the bed
sacrificing his back to sleep on the couch
and i fall asleep back to back with my mother
quiet and warm
i complain to her when him and i fight
she confesses to me that him and i have a dynamic
that she’ll never be able to match
she complains to me of muscle weakness
i’ve always known her strength to be worth more than mine
i bring her pain relieving lotion and pet her greying hair
until she falls asleep
before she drifts off, an eyelid is lifted
“you’re beautiful”
she finds sleep
and despite my size as a grown adult we mirror the way we slept when i was 2, 4, 12
my legs tucked up into her tummy
facing each other
me, the seed
her, the casing
me, unfurling, reaching towards the sun, ready to create new life
her, breaking open, letting me grow
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