anatomy of a homeschooler dance

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marie sayle
bit.ly/msaylerbooks

  1. a dress you had to convince your mother of, half because it makes you feel pretty and half because you need to be ugly enough to keep everyone away.
  2. fairy lights. a fucking lot.
  3. scratchy sound through the PA system of a church basement.
  4. streamers haphazardly wound around pillars.
  5. God quiet upstairs, and wondering if He thinks the music is too loud. maybe, but it’s probably okay since the only songs about sex are by men and about women. 
  6. if any of the songs you requested play, you go upstairs and say the act of contrition. it’s nighttime and no one is in the confessional, but you need God to know you’re sorry for wanting things.
  7. bare feet, shoes abandoned, dirt all over your soles, ankles aching.
  8. a folding table (or two) of lukewarm 2-liters of soda and family friendly snacks. diane is going to come up to you later and tell you that a new study says caffeine and sugar have the same effect on teenagers that alcohol does on adults, while eyeing the coke in your hand. you will take a big swig as you walk away, and your mother will yell at you about it later.
  9. chaperones with hawkish eyes who never say a word.
  1. a best friend you’re in love with, but not even you know it.
  2. bathroom lights that are altogether too bright when you walk in, and the grit under your feet suddenly feeling sharper.
  3. a boy you are afraid of.
  4. a boy you can’t keep your eyes off of.
  1. a boy you wish would just, for once, be kind. 

               (these are the same boy.)

  1. someone who makes your blood boil,
  2. and at least 3 fights before the night is out. it doesn’t matter if you went looking for them or if his hand crept too low on your waist before you even said a word. you will be blamed.
  3. entering the hall with a goal, 
  4. and leaving knowing you won’t ever have the luck or the balls to grasp it.
  5. a line dance that makes your heart pound in a way that keeps you there for the rest of the night in the hopes that this isn’t all there is.           (it is.)
  6. the last song being closing time, and knowing you failed. (at what? you might not even know).
  7. leaving tired and stumbling and knowing you don’t belong. maybe next time, if you –
  1. – wear a better dress.